The rest of you, not so bravo. Other than a couple of commendable performances, this entire movie stinks like Curious George's latest bowel movement.
Tim Burton can't find a decent plot, Mark Wahlberg and Estella Warren's on-screen chemistry rates just below Helium, and monkey-fied Helena Bonham Carter brings up questionable feelings on several levels.
The most controversial DVD podBLAST of the decade is here! - Does this movie really suck, or are the BLASTers just grumpy old white men? - Do these moves really count as dancing, or is it just hormones gone wild? - PB4 is missing: Family vacation, or savvy career move?
Whatever the answers may be, the facts are clear: Two urban stereotypes make their money by dancing and working for a big fat drug dealer. When challenged to a dance-off by a couple of O.C. wiggers, they bite, get double-crossed, and lose their shirts. What are they to do? Answer: Enter the conveniently timed L.A. dance-off, and hope some little kid gets shot so they have a REAL reason to win.
If it takes a million monkeys a million years to come up with "A Tale of Two Cities", it would take 2 monkeys and a retarded squirrel about 14 hours to come up with the script for Battlefield Earth.
It's the year 3000, and the evil Psychlo John Travolta has just been ordered by "Home Office" to remain on the cesspool Earth indefinitely. Meanwhile, head ManAnimal Barry Pepper has learned how to communicate with the Psychlos as well as teach his caveman buddies how to fly 1,000-year-old Harriers.
Though the film by itself may induce suicide, our commentary will reduce that to mere vomiting, depending on how well you've got your gag reflex under control. So, enjoy that.
Why does a film like this suck so bad? It's got tragedy + time, so it should be totally hilarious, but it's not. Why?
Here's one theory... is Dan Ackroyd really the best actor to choose for the role of I-know-what's-going-to-happen-but-no-one-will-listen-to-me guy? Is that role even needed?
Perhaps DTM.C should have played the pivotal cook role?
Maybe it's the contrived plot: Boy loves Girl. Boy goes off to war, almost gets killed, but doesn't. He returns, bearing the secrets of the French "L'Anal", but Girl is now preggers from Boy's Best Bud, who then fights him in a bar. They become heros, Best Bud dies, and Boy raises his son with Girl.
So why does it fail? Who knows. Let the history books sort it out.
In any case, DVD podBLAST continues its holy war on Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett with this first time ever two-part BLAST. Unfortunately, luscious+creamy Kate Beckinsale gets caught in the crossfire.
What in the h-e-double hockey sticks is going on here? We're late one week, then early the next!? We sure are crazy and unpredictable! Unfortunately, Stealth is not.
In this **begin sarcasm** unique **end sarcasm** film about technology gone bad, Jamie Foxx dies. Oops! Spoiler! Sorry! Other than that, keep an eye out for the arousing (Jessica Biel) and confusing (Josh Lucas) waterfall scene, the many phalluses a high-tech plane requires, and be prepared to question everything you think you know regarding morality and war. Oh yeah, Stealth asks the tough ones.
Do we need to mention that after the credits and beyond the BLAST, we discovered a lame set up for a sequel? Any doubts any of us were having as to the BLAST-worthiness of this film quickly disappeared.
This made-for-TV movie was mysteriously released in the theaters, and it has been agreed upon that none of your BLASTers shall ever see this lump again. Possible alternatives to a repeat viewing include:
DTM.C will kick the real Ghandi square in the nuts, William will get both of his ears cut off by Mr. Blonde, Steve will go toe to toe with the Terminatrix's toothbrush attachment, PB4 will start an exclusive diet of donut burgers for the rest of the year, Walsho didn't show up, so he is permitted to see it, though he is forbidden to speak of it.
This gorefest had bad lighting, bad writing, bad cinematography, and absolutely no brass section.
There is a heatwave in Los Angeles, and it's taking its toll on the BLASTers. PB4: Melted. Just melted. Walsho: Back on the sauce. DTM.C: Beaten down. Steve: Snakes-On-A-Plane crazy. William: Kind of cheerful, actually.
And yet we press on. This week, we take on Renny Harlin and Cutthroat Island. This 1995 coma-inducer stars Geena Davis as a sunburned American pirate who teams up with Matthew Modine's Errol Flynn to search for a pot o' gold weighing somewhere between three and five tons. Along the way, they find wonderful, boring love.
Start with a base of Ultraviolet, add a good dose of Catwoman, then inject with Hollywood Dumbass Juice until all traces of The Matrix seep out. You will be left with a sludge called "Aeon Flux".
Now just start calling Oscar winners until someone bites (hint: call Charlize Theron first), and you've got yourself a movie! Congratulations! Have fun making it, what with its futuristic sets and sexy costumes, because It. Will. Bomb.
Then one day in the not-too-distant future, the DVD will be released and some smart-ass Hollywood jerks are gonna BLAST it. IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD.
Harrison Ford stars in this taut thriller/action/comedy as a no-guff L.A. Detective splitting his time between the streets of Hollywood, the hills of Hollywood, and "the sheets."
Hollywood bad boy Josh Hartnett turns in a tour de force performance (Hello? Oscar people?) as Harrison's partner. Except that he is also an actor and a yoga instructor. I should also mention that he has NO problems with the ladies... Oh yeah!!
The producers of this gem wisely included many recognizable faces in bit parts and cameo's to pump up of the level of "Hollywood-ness" of the movie. They also push along the taut plot in interesting and unexpected ways, pulling the viewers along for the roller-coaster ride of their lives.
"Hollywood Homicide" is really taut and delivers the goods!
Here's what we know: Milla Jovovich is some kind of quasi-human "hemophage" thing who's going to die soon, but she already died, so that's kinda weird, but then she saves this creepy kid floating in a toilet and some stuff happens, gags from better movies are ripped-off, more stuff... happening... other things... then finally she kills the bad guys with an admittedly sweet ass...
Sword. Sweet-ass sword.
You would think that with 20 minutes of exposition, there'd be a nice solid plot to sink your teeth into. Ahhhh, no.
The one saving grace is William Fichtner, who, as usual, BRINGS IT.
Ahh, Part 3. OK, so it's not as bad as 'Reloaded', but it still sucks. Yes, it's got an epic battle and some sweet fights, but you need a Microsoft networking certification to follow the plot. Plus, it still has crap like this:
LINK: He's gone. TRINITY: Who? LINK: Neo. TRINITY: Where did he go? LINK: I don't know.
Can we just cut it down to this?:
LINK: Hey Trin, Neo's gone and I don't know where he is. TRINITY: Thanks for the update, Link. By the way, have I ever told you how much I love DVD podBLAST?
Imagine you have to do something that you really don't want to do. Say, your girlfriend drags you to the opera or something. Then, just as the singing begins, someone comes over and punches you in the nuts. So you're doing something that you really didn't want to anyway, but there's no way you could have guessed how truly painful the experience would be.
And so goes the DVD podBLAST of "Rollerball".
Though, we must admit, we've never been to an opera that featured Rebecca Romjin naked.
In one the most notorious bombs ever, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (Bennifer 1) manage to act their way INTO a paper bag, and hermetically seal it behind them. No doubt they were happy to have Christopher Walken and Al Pacino in there with them.
Be warned - this movie stinks and stinks hard. We suggest you do what we did and order some delicious Papa John's - it will trick your brain into thinking Gigli deserves watching. And for the love of God people, do NOT attempt to watch this movie without our commentary!
Bonus - in one of J.Lo's 5000 monologues, she compares a woman's lips to her vagina while doing suggestive yoga poses. Brilliant.
Darren likes it; Matt defended it; Bill, Steve and Mike BLASTed it.
You decide who's right as Jessica Alba & Co. strip, stretch, rock and burn through this story of four Fantastically Good Looking scientists who are genetically altered by a interstellar gob of radiation-type stuff. Science is COOL!
Oh, the lost potential of this film. As one of the most fervently anticipated movies of all time (including by your humble podBLASTers), it just did not deliver the goods. But hey, the special effects were awesome (they hold up to this day!!), we *heart* Ewan McGregor, and Darth Maul is still one of the best villains ever! We forgive you, George Lucas. You're still tops in our book! ;-)
There's a volcano beneath Los Angeles and it's going to destroy everything in its path!! Fortunately, it's under the West side, so there's a good chance it will melt all persons involved in bringing this mess to the screen.
Especially notable is one of the most horrible, tacked-on attempts at social commentary ever put to film. Be sure to watch on an empty stomach.
"Saved by the Bell" cutie Elizabeth Berkley stars in this family-fun romp as Nomi, a Bi-sexual, Bi-polar stripper/whore who pushes Cristal, a Coniving, Bi-sexual diva/whore (played by Gina Gershon) down some stairs in order to take her place as the worst Greatest Stripper in Las Vegas.
Rated NC-17 for: Inexcusably bad writing, acting, and directing. And dancing. Also for some potty language and brief instances of very slight and extremely tasteful nudity.
Somewhere, there is a movie producer that has got a huge collection of photos with big stars in compromising positions. How else can you explain why so many fine actors, comic and otherwise, would sign up for this film? It's the ulitmate ransom film. And in case you're thinking, "This film is too much of a suckfest, even with your brilliant and hilarious commentary, Adudathuda, I won't be able to get through it", well, two words: Rosario Dawson.
MARIAH CAREY! ... So did your eyes just light up, or did you fight off a gag reflex? If you said the latter, then welcome, friend. Face your fear by renting "Glitter" and downloading this podBLAST. Listen for the secret word, then contact us and let us know what it is. You will earn MAD street cred, and we'll add your name to the website under the heading, "THESE PEOPLE ARE INSANE".
Why do the producers of "XXX: State of the Union" hate Vin Diesel so much? Could it be that he knows to stay away from bad scripts? One can only guess. One thing's for sure: sequels suck 99.9% of the time. And that's the TROOF.
Take two Academy Award winners (George Clooney, writer Akiva Goldsman), two future Governors (Arnold-CA, Jesse The Body-MN), and a Razzie award winner (Alicia Silverstone). Sprinkle in a few Bat-Nips and smother in "ice" puns. Finally, pour this mixture into a cliche generator and project onto a screen. What will you get? Who knows, but it will probably be better than this piece of crap. Oh, one more thing... "GLORP".
It was supposed to be huge. The "Independence Day" folks packed it full of "That Guy!" stars, blew the budget on CG effects, and released it in one million theaters. (No really, we looked it up.) Instead what we got was just another crappy re-make with no plot. "Jurassic Park 2 1/2", if you will. (Smart ass remark courtesy of PB4)
We create full-length Alternative DVD Commentaries for bad movies.
We got up to 100 of them and then called it quits in late 2008.
But then in early 2011, we decided to give it another run and record commentaries for the worst films of 2010.
To download movies or podBLASTS... right-click (Macs control-click) on the title of the post, choose "save link as..." and save it to an appropriate spot. Your desktop, perhaps.