Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Cutthroat Island - DVD podBLAST

Dear BLASTphemers,

There is a heatwave in Los Angeles, and it's taking its toll on the BLASTers. PB4: Melted. Just melted. Walsho: Back on the sauce. DTM.C: Beaten down. Steve: Snakes-On-A-Plane crazy. William: Kind of cheerful, actually.

And yet we press on. This week, we take on Renny Harlin and Cutthroat Island. This 1995 coma-inducer stars Geena Davis as a sunburned American pirate who teams up with Matthew Modine's Errol Flynn to search for a pot o' gold weighing somewhere between three and five tons. Along the way, they find wonderful, boring love.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Aeon Flux - DVD podBLAST

Start with a base of Ultraviolet, add a good dose of Catwoman, then inject with Hollywood Dumbass Juice until all traces of The Matrix seep out. You will be left with a sludge called "Aeon Flux".

Now just start calling Oscar winners until someone bites (hint: call Charlize Theron first), and you've got yourself a movie! Congratulations! Have fun making it, what with its futuristic sets and sexy costumes, because It. Will. Bomb.

Then one day in the not-too-distant future, the DVD will be released and some smart-ass Hollywood jerks are gonna BLAST it. IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Hollywood Homicide - DVD podBLAST

Harrison Ford stars in this taut thriller/action/comedy as a no-guff L.A. Detective splitting his time between the streets of Hollywood, the hills of Hollywood, and "the sheets."

Hollywood bad boy Josh Hartnett turns in a tour de force performance (Hello? Oscar people?) as Harrison's partner. Except that he is also an actor and a yoga instructor. I should also mention that he has NO problems with the ladies... Oh yeah!!

The producers of this gem wisely included many recognizable faces in bit parts and cameo's to pump up of the level of "Hollywood-ness" of the movie. They also push along the taut plot in interesting and unexpected ways, pulling the viewers along for the roller-coaster ride of their lives.

"Hollywood Homicide" is really taut and delivers the goods!

A Box of Hammers.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Ultraviolet - DVD podBLAST

Here's what we know: Milla Jovovich is some kind of quasi-human "hemophage" thing who's going to die soon, but she already died, so that's kinda weird, but then she saves this creepy kid floating in a toilet and some stuff happens, gags from better movies are ripped-off, more stuff... happening... other things... then finally she kills the bad guys with an admittedly sweet ass...

Sword. Sweet-ass sword.

You would think that with 20 minutes of exposition, there'd be a nice solid plot to sink your teeth into. Ahhhh, no.

The one saving grace is William Fichtner, who, as usual, BRINGS IT.