Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Pearl Harbor Disc 2 - DVD podBLAST

Part Two of DVD podBLAST's Pearl Harbor alternative DVD commentary.

Luckily, we split up the BLAST in the same way the filmmakers split up the discs. It's technical, but we figured it would all work out best this way.

Pearl Harbor Disc 1 - DVD podBLAST

Why does a film like this suck so bad? It's got tragedy + time, so it should be totally hilarious, but it's not. Why?

Here's one theory... is Dan Ackroyd really the best actor to choose for the role of I-know-what's-going-to-happen-but-no-one-will-listen-to-me guy? Is that role even needed?

Perhaps DTM.C should have played the pivotal cook role?

Maybe it's the contrived plot: Boy loves Girl. Boy goes off to war, almost gets killed, but doesn't. He returns, bearing the secrets of the French "L'Anal", but Girl is now preggers from Boy's Best Bud, who then fights him in a bar. They become heros, Best Bud dies, and Boy raises his son with Girl.

So why does it fail? Who knows. Let the history books sort it out.

In any case, DVD podBLAST continues its holy war on Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett with this first time ever two-part BLAST. Unfortunately, luscious+creamy Kate Beckinsale gets caught in the crossfire.

Friday, August 18, 2006

From Justin to Kelly - DVD podBLAST

Poor Kelly Clarkson. All yummy and loaded with talent, she wins American Idol and is then forced to star in a "film" starring her and five A.I. wannabes.

You've got your Dreamboat (ding), Stud (ding), Nerd (ding), Smart Friend (ding) and Slutty Friend (ding ding!). This movie is one giant, seeping, stinking, stuck-to-your-shoes cliche bell.

Two notes:

1. First ever Musical DVD podBLAST.
2. Who knew the BLASTers were such Kelly Clarkson fans? Poor Kelly Clarkson.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Stealth - DVD podBLAST

What in the h-e-double hockey sticks is going on here? We're late one week, then early the next!? We sure are crazy and unpredictable! Unfortunately, Stealth is not.

In this **begin sarcasm** unique **end sarcasm** film about technology gone bad, Jamie Foxx dies. Oops! Spoiler! Sorry! Other than that, keep an eye out for the arousing (Jessica Biel) and confusing (Josh Lucas) waterfall scene, the many phalluses a high-tech plane requires, and be prepared to question everything you think you know regarding morality and war. Oh yeah, Stealth asks the tough ones.

Do we need to mention that after the credits and beyond the BLAST, we discovered a lame set up for a sequel? Any doubts any of us were having as to the BLAST-worthiness of this film quickly disappeared.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Bloodrayne - DVD podBLAST

This made-for-TV movie was mysteriously released in the theaters, and it has
been agreed upon that none of your BLASTers shall ever see this lump again. Possible alternatives to a repeat viewing include:

DTM.C will kick the real Ghandi square in the nuts,
William will get both of his ears cut off by Mr. Blonde,
Steve will go toe to toe with the Terminatrix's toothbrush attachment,
PB4 will start an exclusive diet of donut burgers for the rest of the year,
Walsho didn't show up, so he is permitted to see it, though he is forbidden to speak of it.

This gorefest had bad lighting, bad writing, bad cinematography, and
absolutely no brass section.

Nuff Sed,